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The Drowmage’s Top Ten List : Cinema Etiquettes For the Movie-Goer April 10, 2007

Posted by drowmage in Drowmage's Philosophy, Drowmage's rants, Drowmage's Top Ten List.
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Eons ago, our ancestors were nothing more than barbarians, walking with their simian brothers across the dense forest. However, as time passed, they learned to use their cognitive abilities and communication skills, evolving into a species which was considered more supreme than those which had existed for millions of years on this revolving sphere of gas, rock and water.

As societies began to form, and man created rules and social etiquettes to distinguish himself from the lower dregs of society, he considered himself to be a civil being, worthy of a higher station in life.

Yet, fast forward all of that to the year 2007, we haven’t changed much from our ape-like brethren. People drive like they have something stuffed up their rear end (the body, not the car), and create the boundaries between race, religion and even gender, for reasons of power than anything else.

But I digress…

Here’s a top ten list of cinema etiquettes which every movie-goer should have:

1. Don’t talk during a movie. EVER. Nobody forked out money to hear you give away the entire plot in your know-it-all voice, so shut your yap.

2. Don’t grope, kiss, fondle, and all the sick things couples do during a movie. Get a damn room, and if you can’t afford one, chances are that you’re under-aged. You know what that means.

3. Don’t bring in your smelly lunch, covered in six different sauces of undistinguishable origins, and smothered in garlic. Even a hotdog is pushing the limit. I don’t want to smell your food just as the Spartans fight for their glory with blood.

4. Don’t kick my chair. I know how to kick back, possibly aiming for your head.

5. Don’t answer your phone. Heck, don’t even switch it on – because the bright lights from your fancy gadget shining in my damn eyes everytime you flip it open to check for a message from your be-yotch might be the last thing you see.

6. Don’t be late. When you buy your ticket, look at the time stated there. An 11 o’clock show doesn’t mean you walk in at half past 11, saunter down the aisle in the dark looking for your seat and blocking everyone else’s view. Don’t go giving me that whole “Malaysian time” crap; have some common sense.

7. Don’t bring your kids under the age of 3. Hell, don’t bring them if you can’t keep them from screaming on the top of their voices. And what kind of parent brings their kids to watch an 18PL rating “Children of Men” anyway? You enjoy them laughing when people’s heads get shot? Freak.

8. Don’t snore. Don’t fall sleep. If you couldn’t keep your eyes opened for the movie, you shouldn’t have paid for the ticket. Movie reviews exist to tell you whether the movie sucked or not.

9. Don’t keep waving your plastic bag around as you try to dig into it for the last few chips that fell in there – the damn thing makes noise. I’m missing crucial moments here, and that don’t make me a happy person.

And last but not least, (you know who you are) :

10.Don’t ask me questions during the movie. I have no idea why that man shot the other guy, or why the girl appears in two places at once. Do I look like a damn psychic?

Watching a movie in the cinema is a sacrilegious experience and each scene brings you into the story, so having interruptions and nuisances in between can make a very, very, agitated movie-goer.

Next up : Cinema etiquettes for the cinema workers